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#81 ·
I've seen and experienced what he's describe and the answer is - ABSOLUTE LAZY MOFO, who doesn't give a **** about how they look, hooked a spouse and then went downhill from there :skep: I dare the OP to post a pic of said spouse :rolleyes: bet she'd north of 175% her ideal body weight. Don't know how people this opposite get together in the first place :skep: :rolleyes:

McDowell_Matt said:
just tell her that you're getting "Sexy" for her, and that MAYBE she would like to return the favor by toning up a bit....

If nothing else, you'll be single quicker with a comment like that...
and then you'll have all the free time you've been wanting.
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#82 ·
very interesting thread, and nice comments by a few, esp bshallard, eirene and lidarman.

One real huge prob though, comes through loud and clear from the OP's comments.

He doesn't like his wife very much at all any more, he doesn't respect her, and he is pretty close to giving up on her.

These are not inherently bad things, but they are not compatible with a successful marriage.

I have been there in a marriage before. It is a bad place to be. If this mindset can't be reset, then there is not a lot of hope for the relationship.
 
Discussion starter · #83 ·
Impy said:
One real huge prob though, comes through loud and clear from the OP's comments.

He doesn't like his wife very much at all any more, he doesn't respect her, and he is pretty close to giving up on her.
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thats why i made the post .. to give me time to collect my thoughts and look for other avenues that i may not have thought of ... which it did help ...
 
#84 ·
Document her behavior, get the kids and get out of Dodge! If you don't do it in exactly that order the courts will destroy your life forever as a father. Sounds like you are headed in that direction. File for custody first. Trust me, I live in hell just trying to be a Dad after my divorce and I'm a good father. I wish someone would have prepared me for what was ahead.
 
#85 ·
-Devil- said:
thats why i made the post .. to give me time to collect my thoughts and look for other avenues that i may not have thought of ... which it did help ...
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My question to you is, can you get the respect/love back? Or is it too late? No counseling in the world will help if you know in your heart of hearts that its over, or that you really and truly think your spouse is a lazy/bad/stupid person. And every day that goes by that she knows you don't respect her, that you grit your teeth when she gets on your case, etc, is one more nail you have to dig out of the impending coffin.
 
#86 ·
Impy said:
My question to you is, can you get the respect/love back? Or is it too late? No counseling in the world will help if you know in your heart of hearts that its over, or that you really and truly think your spouse is a lazy/bad/stupid person. And every day that goes by that she knows you don't respect her, that you grit your teeth when she gets on your case, etc, is one more nail you have to dig out of the impending coffin.
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hey i honestly mean no disrespect, but i think youre out of line here. maybe let the guy go and seek counseling and try to work out his marriage with some outside help before throwing in the towel.

i apologize if you actually know the guy, since i am guessing you dont, just like most of us here dont. and giving him marital advice based on some mtbr postings--particularly advice to break it off, seems a bit irresponsible.

i know a lot of other people are telling him to cut and run too. sorry to single you out, impy; its probably because youre a moderator. er, i hope im not breaking any rules. and really, i didnt mean any of this with any disrespect. i just think he and his wife should go get help before moving to end things.
 
#87 ·
Try this one on for size.

I have another idea to throw into the pot for discussion, since so many posters have suggested cutting and running.

I submit that your level of satisfaction in any relationship is entirely dependent on how that person makes you feel about yourself. When your significant other makes you feel good about yourself, you feel good about them, and are more inclined to return the favor. If they make you feel bad about yourself, for whatever reason, you get hurt, and feel negatively towards them. Too much of this and you find yourself going on the attack, trying to make them feel the way you do. And this is where it begins....

I believe that no matter how far gone your relationship is, it can be fixed if you are willing and able to overcome your own hurts, and start making each other feel good about themselves again. Willing is one thing of course, able can be another thing entirely. Sometimes you can't get past your own hurts. This is when working with a counselor to master your own thoughts and emotions really helps. When you master your own mind, you become master of your relationships too.

I just got my wife to read this and she said it's fine, but that I should point out that love notwithstanding, all relationships take work. They don't just happen. I agree, but I don't find it takes me a lot of work. I found once I had the tools for the job it became really easy.

And please please please, don't encourage someone to leave his wife based on your opinion of her from the tiny bit of information you have.
 
#88 ·
-Devil- said:
this is a recent problem i have started to run into. the more active i get, the more hateful my wife seems to be. from smaller things like throwing away foods that i have bought to make sure we have good stuff to eat. to larger things like backing out on her promise to go to the gym with me and now 'planning' family stuff on the nights i normally go to the gym and throwing a fit when i bring up the point that i already had plans for that night ...

just last night she finally threw a fit when i told her that me and the boy (15 yr old son) were going out to ride this morning ... and responded with a 'if ya'll are going to ride bikes in the morning, then i am going out to the bar that night to play pool and drink' ... wtf? ... how do those two things even compare? ...

10 years isn't a long time in a relationship, but i am almost at the point now that i would wrather be on my own to have the freedom to do what i want to, instead of having someone behind me trying to stab me in the back just because i have decided i want to get in shape and be healthy ... (was over 281 in jan, now i am 235 and toning up nicely)

there isn't really a point to this thread other then me complaining about how selfish some people can be...
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I know this situation, and you have to involve her. When I go biking on the trails, I bring lunches and the family. They play at the playground and she enjoys the park. There is also something there making her feel this way. I always said it was her fault, it was her gender. LOL. But there has to be a reason for her to feel that way. Have you cheated on her or did something to make her uncomfortable? When you go riding do you come back and fiddle with your bike or give her time? Involve her as much as possable. Maybe she will eventually start riding with you, or maybe you dont want her to. I hope it goes well.
 
#90 ·
snowdenn said:
hey i honestly mean no disrespect, but i think youre out of line here. maybe let the guy go and seek counseling and try to work out his marriage with some outside help before throwing in the towel.

i apologize if you actually know the guy, since i am guessing you dont, just like most of us here dont. and giving him marital advice based on some mtbr postings--particularly advice to break it off, seems a bit irresponsible.

i know a lot of other people are telling him to cut and run too. sorry to single you out, impy; its probably because youre a moderator. er, i hope im not breaking any rules. and really, i didnt mean any of this with any disrespect. i just think he and his wife should go get help before moving to end things.
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The guy expressed a problem, Impy gave an opinion. Whether she is a moderator or not, has nothing to do with her opinion. Because a person acts as a moderator, does not in some way hold them to higher standard when expressing their opinion, only to make sure they and other abide by the rules of the board.

You also jumped to a conclusion in saying that Impy advised him "to break it off." She asked him a question, then expressed an opinion that frankly applied generically to anyone, not even to the specific poster.
 
#91 ·
one key point that I think has mostly been missed is that in order to fix a faulty relationship, both parties have to willing. This means to stop finger pointing and blaming, and realize that your own poo stinks as bad as anyone else's. Its hard work, really hard work, and the results are not instantaneous. But, having done it and now have a marriage I could have only dreamed of years ago it is possible. But it takes two people that are willing to do the work to fix what is broken.
 
#94 ·
easy there, not trying to provoke you, but i think youre mistaken.

The guy expressed a problem, Impy gave an opinion.
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this is true.

Whether she is a moderator or not, has nothing to do with her opinion. Because a person acts as a moderator, does not in some way hold them to higher standard when expressing their opinion, only to make sure they and other abide by the rules of the board.
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my mistake. perhaps it was just idealism on my part. and unwarranted at that.

You also jumped to a conclusion in saying that Impy advised him "to break it off." She asked him a question, then expressed an opinion that frankly applied generically to anyone, not even to the specific poster.
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youre right, i did jump to a conclusion. i assumed, like you said, that she was giving advice to the op because she kept using the word "you", which i understood to mean the op. especially since her post quotes him and is inserted as a response to his post, which was a response to hers. to me it did look like she was talking to him.

so yeah, i missed the part where "you" changed from meaning the op to meaning "generically...anyone".

and frankly, i dont think thats what is says.

i also made the assumption that she was saying he should know when to get out. if youre trying to say this is different from actually telling the op to get out, youre right, it is. but the suggestion of leaving is there. and if i jumped the gun in making that connection, sorry. to me it seems like a small leap from saying: "if you know its time to leave, you should do so" to "you should do so". not the same thing, but closely enough related that one might object to the former if one finds the latter advice objectionable. that was my intent.

disagree if you want about my opinions on devils situation. but have enough objectivity to read the posts correctly.

i dislike pissing matches, particularly online where it has little value. i am not trying to get into one with you. in fact, i am sure youre a reasonable guy. but could it be that in your zeal to defend impy, youre too quick to discredit what ive said? i think so. good that youre defending your friend. bad that youre so hasty in trying to refute what ive said.
 
#96 ·
snowdenn said:
youre right, i did jump to a conclusion. i assumed, like you said, that she was giving advice to the op because she kept using the word "you", which i understood to mean the op.
i also made the assumption that she was saying he should know when to get out.
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I was speaking to devil. I'm not advocating anything, rather, I was asking him to think honestly about how capable HE is in forgiving his wife, and respecting HER. "She is interested in nothing except drinking, watching tv and can't hold a job" really doesn't sound like words of love and respect, at least not in my world. Where is the "She is a beautiful person, the love of my life, I am so worried about her, how can I make this work, we are a great pair together..."

If there is no respect or love there, then it is a losing battle.

Unfortunately, I speak from experience. If both parties aren't 100% into salvaging the marriage and working on the problems, its not going to work, no matter how much money you throw at the therapist. Call me out of line if you want, I'm just calling it as I see it.
 
#98 ·
My wife is not in support of my planned ride tomorrow. 50 miles 3 trails with the guys.

No sitter, so she can't go. so were gonna trade pulling the kids around teh paved loop while the other hits the trails.

Oh and a few years ago she was that bump on a log who didn't understand my desire to exercise. She just raced her 1st race a few days ago.

Perhaps you both need a counselor perhaps only she does.
 
#99 ·
jorgemonkey said:
Isn't that the point of this thread?
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seems so. i mean, i wasnt at the committee meeting that decided we should give marriage advice, so it wasnt really my idea. whoops, there wasnt a meeting for that was there? it just sorta started happening after the first post. doesnt make it right. doesnt make it a justified purpose of the thread. thats sortve my point: its irresponsible for the op to make a decision like leaving his marriage after being influenced by comments on mtbr. and its irresponsible for mtbr members to give that advice, particularly when they dont know the guy or the situation first hand.

look, just because you see your community involved in an activity doesnt mean its a good idea to jump in and join. thats called mob mentality. you wouldnt join a crowd if they were beating somebody to death, just cause your friends were part of the crowd. even if there were no legal consequences you could easily see that what they were doing was wrong.

its obviously not physical violence, but my point was that its wrong for people to tell this guy to leave his marriage. you might disagree with me there, and you might decide to post irresponsible advice anyway; i guess thats just a difference of opinion. but you dont just jump in and do it just cause its being done; thats mob mentality.

from the op:

there isn't really a point to this thread other then me complaining about how selfish some people can be...
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#100 ·
snowdenn said:
seems so. i mean, ......bllllaaaa blllaaaabla bla...........you might decide to post irresponsible advice anyway; i guess thats just a difference of opinion. but you dont just jump in and do it just cause its being done; thats mob mentality.
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Unravel yourself, please.

When you're finished with that, explain how living out a miserable life is more responsible than the advice to cut bait.
 
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