Help for a brother in need.
Hi Devil.
I have professional counselling experience, and I would be most happy to offer you any help I can (off list would probably be a good idea.) PM me if you are interested.
In the mean time, I have some observations.
Your wife's behaviour (based on what you describe) is very passive-aggressive. This is pretty common in someone who doesn't have a dominant or assertive personality. Passive is the ground state of someone lacking confidence or self esteem. The aggression part comes in when they feel they insecure and want you to know about it. It is more common in women than men, and I submit that it is just another way for her trying to communicate with you. It really isn't about the bike. She has probably long since given up trying to communicate with you verbally, because all that proves (to her) is that you don't listen or just don't get her.
Let me explain:
Men experience the world in a series of thoughts with emotion as a backdrop. We process things rationally and don't usually attach much emotion at all to things. Ask a man what he's feeling and you will get a very limited response, because he will struggle to label what he is feeling to any degree of accuracy.... Or he might just get annoyed at you. Men tend to ignore feelings and break the world into a series of problems to be solved, and they think through things to achieve resolution. Men process even strong emotion by thinking about them rather than exploring the feelings themselves. Finally, men can generally only follow one train of thought at a time.
Women experience the world and process information with emotion first and thought second. Ask a woman how she is feeling, and you will get much more information... (and probably a dose of gratitude.) More importantly, women associate very closely with their emotions. Criticize the emotion equals criticize her. Women like to explore their feelings and talk through issues to find resolution. Women can also deal with multiple trains of thought simultaneously and find it much easier to multi-task.
Communication. It's the key to every successful relationship, and to be fair, we generally try pretty hard to communicate when we go into a relationship, but we do it wrong, because men and women communicate differently.
Example time.
Men: You get home and your wife is in a bad mood. You wonder if she's angry with you, but it turns out someone upset her during the day, so you ask about it. Correct so far. She explains what happened, and you listen closely, then you offer opinions about how she might handle the situation next time. Incorrect. Very incorrect. In her perception you just proved you weren't really listening. Why? She didn't want advice. She wanted you to listen and understand how she was feeling. She wanted you to empathize, not problem solve. Net result: She feels let down that you weren't interested in listening and understanding her, and you wonder what the hell just happened.
Women: Your husband is quiet and preoccupied. He may even appear upset about something. You ask him what is wrong. He says nothing is wrong. You don't think he's being honest with you and wonder what he is feeling, possibly fearing he is upset at you for some reason so you press the point. Are you upset? What is wrong? Tell me. Are you angry with me? By this point he is getting annoyed, because you are asking him questions that he doesn't really understand, or about feelings he has no desire to explore, and you've broken his train of thought. The fact is he probably wasn't upset at all. He had just closed down all unneeded processes while he nutted out a problem. Men do this all the time. And even if he was upset, he would only be able to come up with three emotions for you anyway: Angry, frustrated, and tired (which isn't really an emotion at all, but it is the most common stock answer.) Mostly what he needed was to be given time to think about things. He certainly didn't want you trying to extract them from him. Net result: Your relationship just died a little.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I hoped to give you and others reading just a little bit of insight into how we miscommunicate.
The other things you describe, such as the drinking and sitting in front of TV are pure escapism and the hallmarks of someone who is deeply unhappy. However, you are in a great position to effect change in your relationship. I always prefer to work with the men first as men's thought based processes make change simply a rational decision, rather than an emotional one. As you change your behaviour to better meet your wife's emotional needs, her emotional responses to you change for the better. Change the emotion, change the woman. Then when she has some momentum, it becomes easier for her to see change as a positive thing. At the moment, suggesting any change will have negative effect. Suggest the gym, and she will hear "You're fat and ugly" (since that is how she's already feeling) and she'll just get drunk to escape the hurt.
Sorry this was so long. There is so much to explain. If anyone has any questions then let rip, or if you think I'm just talking bollocks then tell me that too. I'll tell you why you are wrong. ha ha.
b.
