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Glad to Be Alive
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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Post up some jokes for the holidays

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." Rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get “Horned“ before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

“Your badge. Show him your ****in BADGE!!!"

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
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A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!" With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March.........
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A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
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A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
 

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A man and his wife were shopping, he sees that a case of beer is on sale for 14.99, and puts it in the cart. His wife asks "what is your case of beer doing in the cart? we are on a tight budget." But she proceeds to buy makeup for 29.99. The husband objects and reminds the wife they are on a budget The wife says "well its really for you so I can look pretty when we go out." The husband responds, "well a case of beer will do the same thing, for half the price!"
 

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Natl. Champ DH Poser/Hack
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12,942 Posts
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
 

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Stay thirsty my friends
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885 Posts
A guy from Texas decides he wants to try his hand at hunting grizzly bear. So he loads up his gun and equipment and buys a plane ticket to Canada. At the outfitters he tells the guy at the counter he needs a map telling him where he can hunt grizzly.

The outfitter says;
"Listen, I don't know where your from but you need a guide if you want to hunt Canadian bear, I don't recommend you go hunting all by yourself...its very dangerous EH!"

The Texan replies;
"Listen here, I'm from Texas and I've hunted all kinds of big game. I know what I'm doing, all I need to hunt grizzly is my trusty rifle and a place to hunt."

The outfitter eyes him over carefully, pulls a map out from under the counter...scratches an X on it and nods wishing him luck.

The next day as the hunter arrives at the location marked on the map, he hunkers down in the tall grass. Suddenly the hunter feels a tapping on his shoulder, he turns around and there standing behind him is a huge grizzly bear...and he doesn't look happy.

The bear says;
"What you doin here...huntin?"

The Texan thinking quickly says;
"No, no, no...I'm just up here from the USA partaking of the beautiful Canadian wilderness, taking pictures in the early morning twilight and thinking what a wonderful place this must be to live."

The Bear says;
"Hmmm...Yank eh? I don't think your here to see the birds buddy and I can see your gun right there...we aren't stupid ya know. As a matter of fact I think your here hunting bear. You know that those bears are my brothers and sisters right? I think you need to learn a lesson!"

Before the hunter can say anything the bear grabs him by the ankles and bends him over the nearest fallen log. The bear holding him by the shoulders proceeds to give him a furry butt lovin like he has never experienced while he screams at the top of his lungs for help.

Later, the hunter awakens still bent over the log, slowly stands up, pulls on his pants and looks for his gun...its gone and so is all his hunting gear. He waddles back to his car still aching from the viscious anal intrusion and flies back home. As the seasons change, the hunter can't get that Grizzly out of his mind. His anger festers inside while he comes up with a plan for next year...hes gonna kill that bear even if it kills him.

The next year the hunter buys himself a big bore 460 Weatherby rifle, full camo and a 60ft tree stand. He flies to Canada, drives out to the spot on the map marked with an X, sneaks into the bush and sets up his tree stand in the dead of night.

As the sun starts to come up he scans the bush when suddenly he feels a tapping on his shoulder. There hanging upside down in the tree is the bear...and he looks , more than a little angry.

The bear says;
"I thought the last time you were here you would have learned your lesson boy. I guess not EH! Now your really going to get it! I'm gonna show you what it feels like to be really red white and blue!"

Before the Texan can reach his gun the bear grabs him by the ankles and drags him out of the tree to his den deep in the forest, the rest of the night and all of the next day the entire forest full of Grizzly's give him terrifying multiple deep colonoscopy's while all the forest animals look on whoopin and hollerin. He just starts blacking out as one of the bears find a stash of Kentucky bourbon in his pack and yells out to his bear buddies;

"Lets get this party started! Wooooooop!

Next morning the hunter awakens in a clearing in a pool of his own blood and can't feel his legs. He manages to drag himself on his elbows 4 miles to the nearest highway where a local trucker finds his body on the highway and calls for an air ambulance to save his life.

When he awakens in the hospital the doctors tell him he will be lucky to walk again, but he might have a chance with extensive rehabilitation. Over the next 9 months he learns to walk while he recovers from multiple rectal surgeries where he loses 3 feet of his colon, he has to poo in a bag for the rest of his life. The hospital stay was free, because he was in Canada.


Laying in the hospital all the Texan can think about is that damn bear, he swears on the flag that he is going to kill that Canadian grizzly if its the last thing he does. That next autumn once he can walk without a walker, he heads down to the gun shop and buys some nightvision goggles, a full auto M16, a brick of full metal jacket rounds, hand grenades, two large caliber handguns as well as a parachute and full military mossy camo outfit.

He hires a plane, and in the middle of the night jumps over the X on the map, pops his chute low over the forest canopy and lands silently, he flips on his nightvision goggles, cocks his M16...locked and loaded he feels a tapping on his shoulder...its the bear.

The Grizzly leans over, whispers in his ear and says;
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"You really don't come here for the hunting do ya boy?"
 

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SILENCE! I KILL YOU!
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1,253 Posts
A guy who was a survivor at a shipwreck found himself being attacked by a big shark. The man, desperate to save his own skin prayed furiously to the heavens...

"Lord, please make this shark a Christian."

All of a sudden the skies opened up, Heaven's divine grace shined on the shark and the shark stopped moving, crossed himself and started praying. The man was amazed, only to hear what the shark was praying for:

"LORD, bless this food which I am about to receive..."
 

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A man and wife put the last of their 10 kids to bed . The wife said, " Honey, in order not to wake up the kids by making noise, if you don't want to have sex, reach over and tug on my left breast two times to let me know". The husband said, " OK. ... and if you don't want to have sex, I want you to reach over and tug on my ---- about 150 times to let ME know". :thumbsup:
 

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A middle aged woman wakes up and has to empty her bladder. She sits on the toilet and hundred dollar bills come out. Later on, she goes again and nickels, dimes and quarters come out. She goes to the doctor the next morning. The doctor says, "Don't worry." :) "You're just going through the change". ;)
 

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The Most Interesting Man
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424 Posts
A hunter hikes into the woods with his trusty dog to bird hunt. As soon as the hunter gets to his spot the dog goes crazy and starts barking rapidly. All the birds fly away and the hunter gets furious. He says "sshhh, bad dog, do not do that again". The hunter waits again and all the birds return. The hunter puts his gun up and the dog goes crazy again scaring all the birds away. The hunter gets furious, points the gun at the dog and shoots. The bullet misses, hits a boulder, and 2pelets of the bullet comes back and hits him in both eyes blinding him. The doctors assign his dog to be his guide since he is now blind.

The next day the man is sitting in his chair when he hears "you tried to freakin shoot me!!" The man is terrified and goes insane yelling and asking who is there. The dog says "me you jack a$$, your trusty ol' dog, remember". The man goes crazy grabs his gun and starts shooting. Again, one bounces off a metal sculpture and takes out both his nuts.

At the hospital the man explains that his dog can talk and was making fun of him. The doctor responds with "yeah so can mine, except i have both of my eyes and balls" "Does that make you a dumba$$ or me crazy?" :thumbsup:
 

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tannerdrummer said:
A hunter hikes into the woods with his trusty dog to bird hunt. As soon as the hunter gets to his spot the dog goes crazy and starts barking rapidly. All the birds fly away and the hunter gets furious. He says "sshhh, bad dog, do not do that again". The hunter waits again and all the birds return. The hunter puts his gun up and the dog goes crazy again scaring all the birds away. The hunter gets furious, points the gun at the dog and shoots. The bullet misses, hits a boulder, and 2pelets of the bullet comes back and hits him in both eyes blinding him. The doctors assign his dog to be his guide since he is now blind.

The next day the man is sitting in his chair when he hears "you tried to freakin shoot me!!" The man is terrified and goes insane yelling and asking who is there. The dog says "me you jack a$$, your trusty ol' dog, remember". The man goes crazy grabs his gun and starts shooting. Again, one bounces off a metal sculpture and takes out both his nuts.

At the hospital the man explains that his dog can talk and was making fun of him. The doctor responds with "yeah so can mine, except i have both of my eyes and balls" "Does that make you a dumba$$ or me crazy?" :thumbsup:
Was the doctor his dog?
 

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I am a pathetic rider...
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644 Posts
Two guys were moving about the supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me but I'm looking for my wife"
"What a coincidence! So am I" replied the first, "I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well maybe I can help" said the other, "What does your wife look like?"
"Well she's tall with long dark hair, long legs, large firm boobs and a tight ass" replied the first, "What does yours look like?"
"Nevermind! Lets just go look for yours!"
 

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thread killer
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757 Posts
An old woman walks into a bar, sits down and looks at the bartender. It was a small local type bar and the bartender had never seen her in there before.

The bartender politely asks the old lady "what'll you have mam?"

OL "never mind that mam crap. Do you know how old I am?" she seemed miserable, mean, and just down right unpleasant.

BT "I'm sorry…no. no, I don't"

OL "I'm 89 years old and the day after tomorrow is my birthday."

BT "well happy birthday…can I get.."
The bartender is interrupted by the old lady.

OL "never mind that happy crap. Get me a bubble shot of whiskey with three drops of water"

BT "coming right up." He makes her the drink and move's on to other customers.

About 20 minute later the BT sees she has finished her drink. "can I get you anything else?"

OL "get me a bubble shot of whiskey with three drops of water."

All night it's the same thing every 20-30 minutes. "get me a bubble shot of whiskey with three drops of water."
Now this goes on for most of the night. The old lady is just sitting at the bar drinking. The bartender can't believe that she doesn't appear to be drunk at all.

It was getting close to closing time. The bartender walks up to her and asks "excuse me, can I ask you a question?
What's with the three drops of water?"

OL "at my age sunny, I've learned to hold my whiskey. But I can't hold my water to save my depends."
 
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