Mountain Bike Reviews Forum banner
1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Natl. Champ DH Poser/Hack
Joined
·
12,942 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
this came from a pals website today and had me laughin so hard i nearly roundhoused myself. thanx to dirty poop boy for the inspiration.

1-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2-When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

3-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4- Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

5- Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

6- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

7- Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

8- Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

9- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

10- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

11- Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fruck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

12- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

13- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

15- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

16- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

17- To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

18- There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

19- Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Frucking."

20- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

21- Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

22- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

23- Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

24- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

25- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise, " and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

26- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

27- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

28- Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

29- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

30- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Another email that is almost the same, but somehow different:

1 - Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2 - Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

3 - Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

4- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

5 - Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

6 - Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

7 - To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

8 - Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

9 - The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

10 - Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

11 - If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

12 - Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

13 - Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

14 - Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

15 - There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

16 - When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

17 - Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shite out of little kids.

18 - Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire

19 - After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

20 - One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

21 - Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

22 - Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

23 - Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

24 - Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.

25 - Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

26 - The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

27 - Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

28 - Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

29 - When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."


a little gift from the old man to his mtbr pals. happy krismiss everyone! everyone except dirty poopy boy whos still on my iggy list.
 

·
Never enough time to ride
Joined
·
1,575 Posts
Those are still some of the coolest frames ever made. Always wanted one, probably always will, to bad they went away.

Funny stuff cactus, I about wet myself on a few of those.

happy trails...

squish
 

·
Start slow and taper off
Joined
·
790 Posts
Chuck meet Turner

Turner, Chuck.
Initially wanted a Turner back in '98, wait was too long. Ordered Chuck, waited 3 times longer than if I'd ordered the Turner, and a couple years later, company folded(so much for my 100 year warranty--at least I got some spare derail hangers). So it goes, at least now I've got my Turner as well... :D

Darren (ie Push), if you read this, at least one Chuck is still kickin'(two, counting Chuck Norris), though currently it is more like resting...
 

Attachments

·
Natl. Champ DH Poser/Hack
Joined
·
12,942 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
thanx to all of you. im glad this got a few folks to smile. this got way more hits than i coulda imagined. that chuck frame is a excellent reminder of how good stuff was back in the day. hang onto that one. and yeah, its not sleepin is it? kinda a nutty fork for a rfx isnt it? happy krismiss everyone!
 

·
Start slow and taper off
Joined
·
790 Posts
cactuscorn said:
thanx to all of you. im glad this got a few folks to smile. this got way more hits than i coulda imagined. that chuck frame is a excellent reminder of how good stuff was back in the day. hang onto that one. and yeah, its not sleepin is it? kinda a nutty fork for a rfx isnt it? happy krismiss everyone!
I had to go back and re-read your post, just to laugh again...

Nutty fork? The whole bike is in its nutty mode...Carbon XC bars, the fork, the rims (mavic 317's), 2.1 tires, flite saddle. To be fair it does weigh a hair under 31 lbs...naturally, I've got all the stuff for when the Turner feels like a hairier day, including 6" rockers and a 6" dual crown, as well as some meatier tires.
 

·
Natl. Champ DH Poser/Hack
Joined
·
12,942 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
i feel ya pal. i too have the ability to go back n forth between 5" and 6" on mine depending on mood and ground. nice to have options isnt it? thanx again for diggin my present to the gang. at 250+ views, id have to say its done its job well. laughter is key. and by the way, i dig yer speed theory. perfection!
 

·
"Why I oughta..."
Joined
·
207 Posts
neveride said:
Turner, Chuck.
Initially wanted a Turner back in '98, wait was too long. Ordered Chuck, waited 3 times longer than if I'd ordered the Turner, and a couple years later, company folded(so much for my 100 year warranty--at least I got some spare derail hangers). So it goes, at least now I've got my Turner as well... :D

Darren (ie Push), if you read this, at least one Chuck is still kickin'(two, counting Chuck Norris), though currently it is more like resting...
Make it three! No longer in commission (frame is hangin up in garage), but still in decent shape with the exception of some cable and crash/use scrapes.
 

Attachments

·
Natl. Champ DH Poser/Hack
Joined
·
12,942 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
more chuck please!

heres a link http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty to the site responsible for this whole mess. it gets updated as new entries are submitted and thats why my first 2 were similar yet different. some of the others i saw on the random link http://www.4q.cc/chuck/ are pretty good, some not. theres also links to mr t ("Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.") and vin diesel ("Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shite."). the ones on these links are not edited for content so dont show the kids. they have naughty words. shhhhhhhhh.
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top