[bstyle74]

long story short: my gf of 10 years has been cheating on me the past month and doesn't want to work through it.

so why am i posting on mtbr? i've lost my desire to go riding. i normally ride 2-3 times during the week, and now can't even stand thinking of riding. it used to be my way of coping with stresses, but now it seems so futile. has anyone else felt like this? i'm sure i'll get over it, but its so hard and i find that talking to other people who have had similar experiences makes things better. how did you handle things? i know i'm not the only one... just want to hear your experiences and thoughts. PM me if you feel more comfortable that way.

if you want the LONG story, keep reading:

after 10 years of having mostly the same core group of friends, i started noticing that she had new friends over the past year. i was never really introduced to them. the few times i was around them, i never completely felt comfortable. they were what i would consider "party friends," but for the most part not people i would look to as my moral compass.

i also have suspect that she has been drinking heavily when neither of much cared for alcohol in the past. we kept some jack, grey goose, and rum for entertaining guests but when i asked her about all the empty bottles of alcohol, and i suspected her roommate drank them and i wanted to confront her, she told me to "just drop it and let it be."

in addition to her new friends, she slowly stopped seeing her old friends and family, nearly all of whom she's know her whole life. then one day i found another man's clothes. i confronted her, and she broke down and admitted to sleeping with another man in OUR bed for several days while i was away at work. i told her i could forgive her if she would be willing to work things out. she vowed her love and commitment to me, but not one day after i left to go back to work, she had taken time off job for a 2 night getaway with this man. i now no longer trust or respect her... she's not the person i fell in love with and i feel she is lost.

i met her when i was flat broke and struggling through college. i had to decide between eating or filliing the gas tank... cereal was too expensive... a "lavish" night out at chevy's followed by a movie would blow my budget for the month. she was the one of the most selfless and caring people i've ever met and i felt completely honored that she would love me despite my lack of "status." she was my motivation of nearly everything the past 10 years. when i had rough times and could have turned to alcohol or other vices, she kept me out of trouble and i'm truly a better person for being with her. we eventually bought a house together (she picked the house and location, but its under my name and credit), but i worked about 200 miles away and stayed out there during the week. we began ring shopping. i finally had enough work experience and financial stability to begin plans to start my own business, and move into our house full-time by end of this summer. guys, you know how hard it can be to completely give up your self-ego and start putting your RELATIONSHIP ahead of your own interest, but i know (and she'll agree) that i was willing to do anything for her happiness. i completely trusted her, without questioning intentions or worring about the consequences because of our history together. as long as we were together, things were OK no matter how f*cked up they seemed.

i don't wish any ill will on her. i've told her (and her new man, who i haven't met personally but spoke to over the phone) that she has a lot to offer. but in my heart, i fear that she's started down a path that's destructive and will ultimately be filled with guilt and pain, even if this new relationship makes things easy for a few months or even a few years.

it hurts so much that i have to force myself to eat or else my stomach hurts so much i can't sleep. when i do sleep, i have nightmares of her and haven't sleep more than 4 continuous hours. when i'm awake, sometimes i just start getting the shakes for no reason apparent to me. i cannot accept her back, but sometimes it seems so easy to do because it can't be any worse than what i'm going through now, right? i've never had any other "addictions" in my life. i don't gamble or drink or do drugs, so my for 10 years she was my "fix".

again, i know i'm not the only one... just want to hear your experiences and thoughts.

 

[shabbasuraj]

long story short: my gf of 10 years has been cheating on me the past month and doesn't want to work through it.

so why am i posting on mtbr? i've lost my desire to go riding. i normally ride 2-3 times during the week, and now can't even stand thinking of riding. it used to be my way of coping with stresses, but now it seems so futile. has anyone else felt like this? i'm sure i'll get over it, but its so hard and i find that talking to other people who have had similar experiences makes things better. how did you handle things? i know i'm not the only one... just want to hear your experiences and thoughts. PM me if you feel more comfortable that way.

if you want the LONG story, keep reading:

after 10 years of having mostly the same core group of friends, i started noticing that she had new friends over the past year. i was never really introduced to them. the few times i was around them, i never completely felt comfortable. they were what i would consider "party friends," but for the most part not people i would look to as my moral compass.

i also have suspect that she has been drinking heavily when neither of much cared for alcohol in the past. we kept some jack, grey goose, and rum for entertaining guests but when i asked her about all the empty bottles of alcohol, and i suspected her roommate drank them and i wanted to confront her, she told me to "just drop it and let it be."

in addition to her new friends, she slowly stopped seeing her old friends and family, nearly all of whom she's know her whole life. then one day i found another man's clothes. i confronted her, and she broke down and admitted to sleeping with another man in OUR bed for several days while i was away at work. i told her i could forgive her if she would be willing to work things out. she vowed her love and commitment to me, but not one day after i left to go back to work, she had taken time off job for a 2 night getaway with this man. i now no longer trust or respect her... she's not the person i fell in love with and i feel she is lost.

i met her when i was flat broke and struggling through college. i had to decide between eating or filliing the gas tank... cereal was too expensive... a "lavish" night out at chevy's followed by a movie would blow my budget for the month. she was the one of the most selfless and caring people i've ever met and i felt completely honored that she would love me despite my lack of "status." she was my motivation of nearly everything the past 10 years. when i had rough times and could have turned to alcohol or other vices, she kept me out of trouble and i'm truly a better person for being with her. we eventually bought a house together (she picked the house and location, but its under my name and credit), but i worked about 200 miles away and stayed out there during the week. we began ring shopping. i finally had enough work experience and financial stability to begin plans to start my own business, and move into our house full-time by end of this summer. guys, you know how hard it can be to completely give up your self-ego and start putting your RELATIONSHIP ahead of your own interest, but i know (and she'll agree) that i was willing to do anything for her happiness. i completely trusted her, without questioning intentions or worring about the consequences because of our history together. as long as we were together, things were OK no matter how f*cked up they seemed.

i don't wish any ill will on her. i've told her (and her new man, who i haven't met personally but spoke to over the phone) that she has a lot to offer. but in my heart, i fear that she's started down a path that's destructive and will ultimately be filled with guilt and pain, even if this new relationship makes things easy for a few months or even a few years.

it hurts so much that i have to force myself to eat or else my stomach hurts so much i can't sleep. when i do sleep, i have nightmares of her and haven't sleep more than 4 continuous hours. when i'm awake, sometimes i just start getting the shakes for no reason apparent to me. i cannot accept her back, but sometimes it seems so easy to do because it can't be any worse than what i'm going through now, right? i've never had any other "addictions" in my life. i don't gamble or drink or do drugs, so my for 10 years she was my "fix".

again, i know i'm not the only one... just want to hear your experiences and thoughts.

Frig... that sounds really rough. If you have realized that you cannot trust her anymore then that is when you HAVE to realize that you HAVE to move on. Maybe some time apart will be good for both of you.

I know it sounds/feels like the world is ending right now, but that is NORMAL. Just do your best to keep busy.... ride, eat, and for god sakes get some sleep, as I can only imagine your head is spinning right now. It is kinda hard to think things through when one is lacking sleep.

Hang in there bro...It can only get better...

 

[Impy]

get out and ride. it will help clear your head, help tire you out so you can sleep, etc.

there will be a time, in the not so distant future, when you will realize that you are happy. you can't predict it, you certainly didn't choose this path, but things have an odd way of working out in life. Someone told me this when my marriage fell apart and I thought they were full of [email protected]##[email protected]# but they were totally right in the end.

good luck.

 

[Blue Shorts]

All you can do now is focus on yourself...your health...physical and mental. Getting back together will make things better, but only for a short while...then things will most likely get even worse than now (I know, how can things get even worse?). They can.

In the end, you will be happy, but like others have said...it will take time.

Also, I feel that people rarely change. The most likely outcome is that she will eventually cheat on the guy that she's with now. It's one of the ironys (sp?) of life.

All of the above is my opinion, obviously. What you are now going through is, unfortunately, failry common. It sucks......it's unfair..and horribly painful, but time will take care of all of that.

I wish you well.

 

[ronny]

Time heals.

Had a similar experience shortly out of highschool. My girlfriend moved away to go to college and we tried the long distance thing and after a while, she tested the waters, so to speak. We were on again off again for a year or so after and finally just parted ways. We had been together for nearly five years.

It sucks but keep things in perspective and hang out with your bros. Epic rides seem to help clear the mind.

 

[abegetchell]

I've been in this same situation...

...and can offer this advice. Be upset. Be angry. Be full of spite. Be angry at the other man. Do NOT hold your feelings inside of you.

 

[xjtwo]

Sorry to hear about your situation....
I just ended a 5 yr relationship myself and know how you're feeling and I know its hard to find any kind of motivation to do anything. I can tell you that I had to force myself to do ANYTHING at first and there are days where it seems like I haven't gotten anywhere. In my opinion for you I would say put as much time into your MTBing if not more. As hard as that sounds, I think you'll find a certian peace within.......Try to spend time with friends too.
I still have a hard time riding a certian trail because my ex lives 5 min form the trail but I still do it...even if I have to force myself to.
Hope things get better for you!
-J

 

[BikeKilla]

Practice...

It's not easy to continue your life. I've had some pretty rough goes of it recently, and some crap ass emotional things happen throuout my life. We all do. I know you feel like you have no motivation to do things. But you took a great first step, asking others, which is a sign that you care, and that you are moving in the right direction. Even that simple step is to be applauded. It shows you WANT things to change, now the harder part ACTUALLY DOING IT.
Call your friends. Hopefully you have some riding buddies that you've ridden with over the years. Tell them you want to go riding, even if you don't really want to go. Like anything, it gets easier with practice. Sitting down and studying for long periods was tough for me in school. I told myself I would sit there for progessively longer times until it became easier. It did, but it's still tough for me to sit still like that. By riding, it will get easier with time. You have to practice doing that hich will help you. You need to get away and try to do things you enjoy. Your not wanting to do things that you previously enjoyed, diffficulty sleeping, and lack of motivation are all classic signs of depression. It may help to see your general practioner and talking to him about this. There are medications that can help.
If that's not your cup of tea, excersicing has a way of improving mood, and makes you healthy and in shape, which improves your self-confidence.
I had a somewhat similar emotional difficulty with my ex-girlfriend. I was climbing up the walls and could barely sleep or eat for weeks. The thing that helps the most is time. It's a cliche, and there is nothing you can do to speed up the time, but it does get better, eventually.
Keep posting, and talking. A shared load is easier for both people to carry.

Dan

 

[bear]

Man that sucks.

It sounds to me like you're dealing with things in a pretty healthy way though ... turning to friends and peers for discussion and support is a hugely possitive step, much better than closing up and just being depressed alone. Even if (some) of the friends are virtual, as it were.

Take comfort in knowing that you're in a well earned time of greif and loss. Don't try to stop or put off the feelings, let them go through you, talk about them, cry if need be, it's much healthier and better for you than not.

Try not to make too many big decisions for a while, to prevent your grief from getting the better of you in the long run.

Don't worry, your motivation for cycling will come back.

If you have a lot of cycling memories tied up with your lady friend, you may need to forge some new good memories to help the progression, maybe not, depends upon you.

For now, just do one thing at a time. Continue breathing. Continue eating as necessary. Try to sleep.

Maybe find a new place to live when it's not too inconvenient. If you live in a rental property then finding new surroundings may help you move on, and at least will take you out of the space that will continually remind you even more of your loss.

It's not going to be an easy time, it is not supposed to be, but take it from another rider who has had a similar event in my past that you will eventually move on and feel okay again.

And, when you feel like it, go riding with a group of peeps, no talk of **** other than riding, just ride and enjoy it, it'll feel good.

 

[bstyle74]

this is why...

...i love biking because of the people i meet and the support you get. my situation is somewhat more complicated than a simple breakup, because we have a house and cars together in addition to 10 years of emotion. but things could be worse (we have not kids and aren't married).

if you know you probablly shouldn't talk to this person anymore, but are afraid that you'll be too weak to keep from talking on the phone, try this: on your cell phone, change that person's name to DO NOT ANSWER. if you have a camera phone, take a picture of a "warning" sign (the red triangle with the exclaimation mark in the center) and have that pic come up when he/she calls along with DO NOT ANSWER as her name.

this worked wonders for me, even though i did answer. i didn't do something spiteful, and at the same time it made me laugh. i don't think she expected me to laugh and giggle like a schoolgirl when i picked up the phone. try it sometime. this is also something that you can use for friends that have a tendency to call you when its 1am in the morning and they want you to know that "i'm drrrrunk and kant cee straite."

thanks everyone for reaffirming my belief in humanity, or at least the mtb community! now if it would only stop raining so i can go riding.....

 

[crashedandburned]

I feel your pain pal. I loved my ex wife and would've done anything in the world for her at one time. We were together on from high school till divorce. MANY of my friends "warned" me about her but I refused to believe at the time. She played mind games with me. Accused her cousin of raping her to get me to come over one night, Told me once that she and my brother slept together. I was in Japan at the time or we would've fought, cheated on me, MANY other lies, etc.... Needless to say that our breakup was nasty, but I was lucky. No kids and really didn't have anything at the time so we got an annulment but even that was pretty nasty. I guess this is the reason I'm not willing to put up with a lot of nonsense from my GF's now. I got over it and you will too. Maybe riding is the best thing for ya. I know when I'm angry, beating the snot out of my bike is GREAT therapy. Go out, ride till it hurts and your legs won't go anymore, scream, yell!! You'll feel better.

BTW, my ex contacted me via e-mail a couple yrs ago. Found me through Classmates.com My heart kinda stopped since it's been 7 yrs since I last spoke with her at the time. Here was her e-mail:

"Hi, how are you? Me OK. Proud mom of 3. 2 girls and a boy. How about you? Are
you married or taken? Write back soon."

Kinda feels nice when they want you back. All I told her was that I was about to finish college and mt biked alot.

 

[mandodude]

Your perspective and approach to handling this is on point. Like another said though, it's ok to be angry when warranted. Most of us have been through something similar and it can be really rough.

Biking is the best thing you can do in my estimation. It will relieve some of the stress, liven your appetite, and make your body tired. Once you feel close to being yourself again, GO OUT.

 

[sunnyracegirl]

...it hurts so much that i have to force myself to eat or else my stomach hurts so much i can't sleep. when i do sleep, i have nightmares of her and haven't sleep more than 4 continuous hours. when i'm awake, sometimes i just start getting the shakes for no reason apparent to me. i cannot accept her back, but sometimes it seems so easy to do because it can't be any worse than what i'm going through now, right? i've never had any other "addictions" in my life. i don't gamble or drink or do drugs, so my for 10 years she was my "fix".

again, i know i'm not the only one... just want to hear your experiences and thoughts.

You know you can't take her back without some serious councelling and unless she's willing to make some real changes. You cannot control her behaviour, you can only control your own. And you know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.

If you are having trouble eating and sleeping, it will affect your health.

The best way I have found to stay healthy in times of extreme stress or depression is to have a focus that is bigger than yourself. That focus for me was a cause and race that was so big I did not have the luxury of being unhealthy. I had to be at workouts, and for that had to eat and I had to have my rest. But more than the race was the REASON I was racing.

I lost a cousin to leukemia a number of years ago. That was what drew me to Team in Training, racing, and taught me how to live. FWIW, here are my race reports from the events that set me on the path of learning how to live: http://drexlernet.tripod.com/why_i_run.htm
and http://drexlernet.tripod.com/whiterock03_recap.htm

As long as your focus is on yourself, you will find it hard to move forward. I have this tendency to fall into despair. But when I thought of those people on my team who were counting on me to be at workouts, and my cousin Jo who was so full of life (and would be 29 this year) and young Kati who wanted more than anything else just to live full and play hard, I felt a responsibility to live and to remember that there are things bigger than myself.

Hope I'm not preaching... but I can't tell you how many times I would've reached for a bottle or slept all day had it not been for Team in Training and commitments I'd made. Don't let yourself go. Take control of those things that are within your control, and do something good with them.

-sunny

 

[Bike Nazi]

Throw in a chorus with the words booze and truck

"cheated on, breaking up, moving on "

and you'd have yourself a good country and western song.

 

[aixelsyd]

Go out and buy yourself a nice new bike. Preferably something expensive. This will help with the motivation to ride and exercise is a great antidepressent. Whatever you do don't take her back History will repeat itself. Life has a funny way of evening things out. The last time I saw my ex GF that broke my heart she had put on wieght and had a lot of acne and it made me feel good seeing her like this even though I was still single and she had already started another relationship.

P.S since I got my 5-spot I havent been able to stop riding. Kinda making the current GF mad.......
Good Luck.

 

[casdam]

In the long run this will make you a stronger person. It's gonna sting for a while and you'll have bad days but it will get better. Get out and ride, take a little road trip and do some riding, clear your head.

 

[peanut09]

It's a hard thing to go through and it may take you a really long time to move on. Just know it will get better and to take the time to yourself until you are comfortable being on your own. Also keep in mind that it would not be a good idea to get back together with her. No matter what she says if she felt ok about cheating on you the first time it won't be hard for her to do it again. Granted she may say she is sorry and mean it but you can never fully trust her again. You could get back together and feel good about it now but in a matter of time it will happen again so you might as well move on now then waist more months or years of your life with the wrong person. I have met a lot of cheaters in my life and they never seem to change. This is a woman's perspective so take it for whatever you think its worth.

 

[grumpstumper]

Don't forget to see the bad in her.
If she did you like that, it's a good thing she's gone.

I had a loss like that and it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to my life in the big picture. There is a great, deep motivation that comes from that experience. It's like facing death. Now you can take all that despair, grief, anger, emptiness, confusion and turn it into something great. The power of your focus right now is stronger than it could ever be if you were with her.

She could never really fullfill you, she was only filling the space that you need to fill with your own greatness. Fill that space now, and later you can share it with someone else. It will be better then.

(i must sound really silly, but i mean it )

 

[Jaybo]

That is tough

You sound a bit depressed due to your grief. Riding may help this a bit as exercise helps me when I'm hurting and depressed, which, by the way, hasn't been a part of my life for while. The bright side of this story is that she isn't your wife. I guess!

That sucks. Keep your head up. She clearly is not worth your love.

Jaybo

 

[trailadvent]

Thats Rank! and all to common!

She dosen't deserve ya brotha, hang in there look after your health, go ride, you may not feel like it now but once on the trail, you can let it all hang out, when ya finished you'll have a better perspective.

10yrs takes awhile to get past, do what ya doing here with ya friends and keep with the MTB community and it will all work out in time.

PS a really good cure is a bit of bike or component therapy, once ya get the bug back..