[755872]

Driving with my wife when a blonde 20-something in a Porsche 911 passes us. My wife looks at me and says "I know what you're thinking." "No you don't." I reply. "Yes I do, you're thinking about having sex with that blonde in the Porsche, aren't you?" She tells me. "Well that's not what I was thinking, but now I'm thinking the 911 is too damn small for sex." My arm still hurts.

 

[Phillbo]

I don't get it.

 

[veloborealis]

Driving with my wife when a blonde 20-something in a Porsche 911 passes us. My wife looks at me and says "I know what you're thinking." "No you don't." I reply. "Yes I do, you're thinking about having sex with that blonde in the Porsche, aren't you?" She tells me. "Nope, you're dead wrong." I reply, "I'm wondering why they have to make the 911 so damn small." My arm still hurts.

I dont get it, either.

I like the idea of this thread, though, so here ya go:

An 82 year-old man goes to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor sees him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor sees him again and says, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replies, " 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ '' The doctor says, 'I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur -- be careful.'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked her, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
She replied, "No peer pressure."


I sure have gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and I’m subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation and can barely feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 and have lost all my friends... Thank God I still have my driver's license!

 

[755872]

I don't get it.

Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.

 

[Zomby Woof (MCM700)]

I dont get it, either.

I like the idea of this thread, though, so here ya go:

An 82 year-old man goes to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor sees him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor sees him again and says, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replies, " 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ '' The doctor says, 'I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur -- be careful.'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked her, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
She replied, "No peer pressure."


I sure have gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and I’m subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation and can barely feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 and have lost all my friends... Thank God I still have my driver's license!

Those were good, especially the first one.

 

[Grok]

I finally received my new bike the other day. Wife was so sweet, and accommodating .......yet she refused to sleep in the garage for just that night.

 

[veloborealis]

Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.

As I suspected, but the part about your arm still hurting threw me off. Thought it was the punchline. If this really happened and your wife really did punch you, I guess it was. Ha!

 

[DIRTJUNKIE]

Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.

I can vouch personally that it's not.

Nor is a Pontiac Fiero or a 240Z or a Corvette, need I go on?

 

[755872]

I can vouch personally that it's not.

Nor is a Pontiac Fiero or a 240Z or a Corvette, need I go on?

I may be taller or less flexible than you.

 

[DIRTJUNKIE]

I may be taller or less flexible than you.

LOL
I'm 6' and as flexible as a DH fork.

 

[Phillbo]

Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.

Road Head is possible in any car.

 

[Ericmopar]

You know why they call it the "Golden Years" ?

Because the Doctors get all the gold.

 

[matuchi]

Okay - here's one:

An old man was getting a checkup because he was having trouble hearing in one ear. The doctor checked him over and said "Here's the problem - you have a suppository in your ear" - and the old man smiled and said "Well that explains what happened to my hearing aid".......

 

[veloborealis]

The secret to longevity...

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80."

 

[veloborealis]

Pick-up line overheard at single senior's night:

"Do I come here often?"

 

[Daviel]

Joe was showing off his new hearing aid. He said, "Ralph, you can't beat this one. $5,000.00 - top of the line, every feature imaginable, hell it runs on solar power. Ralph asks, "What kind is it?" "1:30."

 

[755872]

Not strictly a joke, but a pun from unlikely sources. My father-in-law has pretty acute non-Alzheimer's dementia. In addition to having taken his short term memory and a good deal of his long term memory (he remembers the War in Korea but not being married for 40 years) it has lowered his inhibitions. Not strictly a bad thing in his case because what's left is a light-hearted and charming old guy who asks about dancing girls about 20 times a day which is better than the pissed-off, swearing old guy in the next room.

Anyway, he gets into loops of puns. This week it's all about giving blood draws. When the first nurse came in and couldn't hit the vein she told him she would need help with the draw and he retorted "it's all in vein", the next nurse walked in and (because he doesn't remember the joke he just told but he looping on a concept) he says, "do you use the extra blood, because I'd hate to think this was all in vein." The second nurse had difficulties, but drew the sample and he says "I've never been very vein." Not the funniest puns, but coming from an 85-year-old who can't tell you if he ate dinner 5 minutes after leaving the table, I'll take it.

 

[SteveF]

"I used to worry about getting senile but now I don't remember why."

 

[veloborealis]

Time for a bump


* * * *An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
* * * *The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
* * * *The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
* * * *The man replied, "That would be my wife."

 

[veloborealis]

BUMP... What? Am I the only one with love for this thread?


"I'm confused," the little boy admitted to his elderly teacher. "I went to church last Sunday and they kept telling me to stand up for Jesus! But then I went to the ballgame, and everyone kept yelling, 'For Christ's sake, sit down!'"


With 50 being the new 30 and all, this probably doesn't describe the older riders who tune into this thread. Kind of funny, though:
Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers while watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating? You used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember when we were first married? You'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"